3 am Thoughts — Immortal Beloved

Two weeks ago, I got flow­ers almost every­day. This week, I have a feel­ing it’s baked goods. And not just any baked goods—keto cakes. I just left the gym when a deliv­ery guy ran up to me and hand­ed me a box of cake. A card was in it, and it came with weird Screen Shot 2018-05-22 at 12.01.18 AM.pngintruc­tions. Inside the card was a one-lin­er—you’re so f****n pre­cious when you smile. I was tak­en aback because it’s from one of my cur­rent favorite songs, Mine by Bazzi. I should have thrown the cake right away. Was he telling me I need to fat­ten up, or I’m too fat already so I bet­ter have cake? The weird instruc­tion was to check my email. True enough, it was from my admir­er (yes, I got one!). He emailed me the lyrics of Mine.

Mine is a very cheesy song. Cheesy got me, so I decid­ed to keep the cake. What sor­cery is this, were my first words when I tast­ed it. It was so good! I felt guilty after­wards though, not because it was fat­ten­ing, but I felt like I was betray­ing my immor­tal beloved.

Now where does Immor­tal Beloved fit in all of these, one may ask? I was watch­ing that film last week. I remem­bered how it affect­ed me, just like when I saw it for the first time many years ago. Basi­cal­ly, Beethoven and his immor­tal beloved broke up because of some stu­pid mis­com­mu­ni­ca­tion. My thoughts turned to my own immor­tal (?) beloved.

He can real­ly be very sweet when the moon is full, or an insen­si­tive ass who I some­times curse.  He com­plains that I dri­ve him up the wall, but hey, he does it too. I’m being a Vir­go, he would say. He is dif­fi­cult, but he is delu­sion­al not to real­ize this. The guy is very intel­li­gent, I give him that, but gets pissed when I beat him in a word game, or karaoke. He is delud­ed enough to think he can beat me in scrab­ble. Ha! I roll my eyes when­ev­er he has this moments of delu­sion. He likes to pre­tend he doesn’t get jeal­ous, or he doesn’t care. I think he’s crazy, but I must be cra­zier to be with him. I wish he could real­ly see into me, even just once, so that he will know what I tru­ly feel for him.

This admir­er is good-look­ing, intel­li­gent, and very sweet. We speak the same lan­guage, and like the same things oth­er peo­ple might find bor­ing. Every­one is attract­ed to him, and I’d have to be total­ly blind not to find him attrac­tive. I spoke to him recent­ly and told him to stop. I just like him a friend. He said he doesn’t expect any­thing from me, and is con­tent­ed to love me from a far. Intense, insane. I have no words. I am often tempt­ed to be mean to him when­ev­er he does some­thing like this, but how can I be mean to some­one who is sweet to me?

I already gave my heart to some­one, and I nev­er real­ly got it back, nor do I want to get it back. Now, I’m not even sure how he feels because of, you guessed it, some stu­pid mis­com­mu­ni­ca­tion. One would think in this age, com­mu­ni­ca­tion would be effort­less. It’s not, not when he doesn’t want to talk to you. Late­ly, I felt that he didn’t want to hear from me. Maybe he just didn’t love me at all, or he is just wait­ing to see what is out there for him (there is no one!). I haven’t reached out to him not because of pride, but because I feel unwant­ed. I know when I’m not want­ed, and in as much as I want us to be togeth­er for­ev­er, I will nev­er chase a guy. If he wants to, he can always text me.

It’s fun­ny how we love some­one, and we wish they would love us the way we want to be loved, yet we can’t rec­i­p­ro­cate the love giv­en to us by some­one we don’t see in a roman­tic light. Love isn’t com­pli­cat­ed, but peo­ple are. Or maybe the Uni­verse is hav­ing one of her jokes.

I decid­ed to watch that part of the film again where Beethoven’s immor­tal beloved final­ly read his let­ter because I’m a sadis­tic masochist who wants to tor­ture her­self.

What long­ing in tears for you — You — my Life — my All — farewell. Oh, go on lov­ing me — nev­er doubt the faith­fullest heart

Of your beloved

J

Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.

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