Kismet

The yab-yum pose

Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences. No one is sent by accident to anyone. I don’t believe in coincidences, but I believe in synchronicities.

Of course, everyone knows the song Head over Heels by Tears for Fears. It’s an 80s song. For some reason, I kept hearing that song everywhere weeks before this trip. It annoyed me but I found myself humming to it. I didn’t even like it at first. The song didn’t mean anything then.

The Jen Retrograde in Virgo

Everything started with my girl friend Evie. I owed her a major favor, and this trip was for her. I didn’t mind as it meant going back to one of my favorite places, Siquijor. I recently went there for the 2nd time last March 21  The timing couldn’t be more perfect — I needed a break—from people, work, basically life. I was shooting blanks, I couldn’t work. I felt blocked.

It’s funny how I have so many friends yet no one was available when I needed them. Everyone was busy! I messaged my aikido sensei, Arnel, a dear friend. We kind of drifted apart for a year due to some personal issues, and recently reconnected again. He had always been someone I could rely on. He said yes, plus his girlfriend Anne was joining too. I liked her, we’ve always gotten along well. The more, the merrier!

As the date of our departure drew closer, Arnel wasn’t too sure if he and Anne could join me. I have decided I will go, alone, or with friends. I gave Evie my word, and my word was gold. I didn’t mind traveling alone. It’s just more fun when you are with your tribe.

I belonged to this website where you could meet other travelers. I scanned for travelers in Siquijor on the dates I was going to be there. I found seven people, and messaged them all. Only one replied. His name was Jon. I made a mental note to message him again the day before I leave for the island.

An Appointment in Samarra

I sent a quick message to Jon. He didn’t respond so I thought he must be busy and will respond when he had the time. It was 3 am, March 21. Arnel and Anne weren’t sure if they could join. I told him to inform me by 3:30 am if they decide to go or not, so that I can change my plans. Thankfully, they decided to join me. We left the city by 430 am.

By 1130 am, we were in San Juan. It was the couples’ first time, so we decided to go around the island right away. We had a quick lunch, and off we went our merry way.  After going to the usual tourist spots, we decided to hit the island bars for happy hour. Happy hour got extended. We met a lot of new friends.

It was supposed to be an overnight trip but as expected, we woke up late because we were drunk. It was March 22. We decided to extend our trip one more day as people were feeling lethargic, and just wanted to be beach bums.

It was around lunch when I got a text message from Jon.  My friends and I were having so much fun I totally forgot about him! I invited him to join us for lunch, but since he was staying in Larena, a good half hour trip by motorbike from San Juan, he said he will try to catch up wherever we were hanging out.

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The unholy trinity – moi, Anne & Arnel.

We found ourselves at Get Wrecked, a local bar. We were waiting for the famous San Juan sunset. There was never a dull time when you are among close friends. The zoo expanded and we met the former mayor of the town, who happened to be the owner of the place we were staying. He bought us drinks, and played pool with us. By 4 pm, my face felt flushed, the familiar tell-tale sign that I was about to become the fun, I-love-everyone-I-just-want-world-peace version of myself.  No, I wasn’t drunk, just a little uninhibited, friendlier, nicer.

We were sitting by the bar, telling inappropriate stories and green jokes when I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Hi, are you Jen? I’m Jon,” the stranger said. “Uhmmm, yeah hi,” I mumbled while frantically searching my foggy brain for quick answers as to who the stranger was. I often remember faces, but not this time. Sure, I read his profile in the website where we both belonged but I never really paid attention to his profile picture. Awkward moment! Then I remembered I was supposed to meet someone!  The guy from that website! “Jon, you made it! Nice meeting you!”

I introduced him to that group. We exchanged pleasantries, and found ourselves having dinner together. We decided to head back to Sunny Side Bed and Breakfast. My friends and I were there the night before. It was owned by a fun couple, Chris and Lyka. It was a no-frills place, with dangerous stairs waiting for accidents, (or adventure!) to happen. It was the perfect spot for stargazing, chatting with friends, and strangers.

Of The Ionian Sea

I learned that his name came from the famous sea of Greek mythology origins. He was named after the Ionian Sea. The name, of course, came from Io, a mortal beloved by Zeus. I was happy he knew his mythology (I’m a mythology freak). Jon was Swedish. His name and mine were pronounced differently, with the letter J read as Y. In Svenska, he was [Yoni], and I was [Yen]. If you are into tantra, you know what yoni means.

We talked about our countries, our jobs, our families, our heartaches, our lives. He shared Swedish songs. I didn’t speak Swedish but I loved his songs, so much that some of them stuck to me. I even started learning Swedish, because I didn’t want to run to him every time I needed a translation. Plus, it’s kinda cool to be multilingual. Talking to him felt like giving a long-lost friend an update about what went on in our lives, when we weren’t in it. Slowly, but all at once, little did I know that my world was about to change.

Limbic Resonance

This is the part where most of my friends would ask, “Jen are you drunk/high/pissed?”  I understand that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I like “weird stuff”, my friends’ words, not mine. I’ll let you on a little secret — I am most lucid when I go off and start spouting weirdness.  It makes people uncomfortable sometimes, so I dial it down a notch. But weird is good.

Wikipedia defined limbic resonance as the idea that the capacity for sharing deep emotional states arises from the limbic system of the brain. Let me put it in simplest terms — it is bonding with another person deeply, especially during eye contact, or touch. Think of a mother bonding with her newborn child. This process comes naturally, it can’t be forced or faked. For more information, please read The General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini and Richard Lannon.

I noticed Jon would shiver whenever we were physically close. I found it odd at first. I thought he had a medical condition or was just feeling cold. I was embarrassed to bring it up. Not yet. 

As the night went on, Jon and I found each other walking by the beach, and really talking.  We talked about the things we were interested about, weird stuff that sometimes made me a pariah among my peers. I often get misjudged for my beliefs. I really didn’t mind, but it was refreshing to be able to let my guard down, to be not judged for once, to be free. It was a heady feeling, and I wanted more.

It was a clear night, and the stars were out. We even noticed some fireflies. The San Juan skies were perfect for stargazing. I was pleased how he was contented sitting in silence, gazing at the stars. Siquijor surely lived up to its name, a magical island.

Quantum Entanglement

I’d be lying if I say I didn’t find him attractive. I wasn’t physically attracted to Jon at first. At least he didn’t look like a grasshopper. Physical attraction came later, like seeing someone in a different light. He had kind eyes, and a gentle demeanor about him that made me feel safe. The way he looked at me was how all women want to be looked upon. He made me feel self-conscious whenever his eyes bore into me, and I never feel self-conscious around men at all. It was an alien emotion. Like a true Virgo, I analyzed what I was feeling. Why are you acting like a silly school girl?  His eyes are so brown…Christ! Get a grip of yourself woman! I tried to put on my best poker face (I’m good at poker!), still, I melted under his gaze, and he had no idea (now he does haha). Whenever he smiled, it was as if someone flicked the switch on. It was dazzling—thank God I had my shades most of the time. I hate it when someone looks into my eyes, as I can be very transparent, and I’m not sure if people liked what they see in them. The amusing thing was, he didn’t think he was that attractive.

I can’t really remember everything we talked about the days we were together. But I remembered how it felt being with him like it was yesterday — and that’s how quantum entanglement comes to play. In physics, quantum entanglement is used to describe the way particles react with each other regardless of distance. He isn’t currently with me right now, but it’s as if he still is.

It dawned on me that met my match, someone I can really talk to, who spoke my language. I met my doppelganger, I met me!  What was supposedly a quick, overnight trip for me got extended to almost a week.

A Sacred Union

Tantric union was something I considered close to an urban legend. No, it’s not about getting an Olympic medal in orgasms or having sex for hours. It’s not even about sex entirely, a common Western misconception. It’s about intimacy and establishing polarities, a way to connect to the divine in each of us—I am, that, I am. It is about seeking enlightenment, or an awakening, and channeling one’s innate energy, in pursuit of things one is passionate about. Tantra, after all, means to weave or loom.

I remember it was Jon who brought up the subject of tantra. He was very subtle, kinda talking about the subject in circumspect at first. I could tell he was testing waters. I could understand why, as it wasn’t a subject you could easily bring up and expect a warm reception. I’m not a tantra expert, but I knew what it was about. He was obviously more knowledgable about the subject than I was, having spent some time in Thailand learning it. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear, I thought to myself.

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Forget the butterflies—I felt the whole goddamned zoo with you.

Going into a tantric union doesn’t have to be physical. You can set boundaries. You could just be facing each other, or holding hands, fully clothed or naked, whatever is comfortable. It was more like an exchange of life force, of energy, a mating of the soul. We decided to try it.

Jon told me to relax. Everything was in slow motion. We did synchronized breathing first, then giving each other slow, soft touches all over while looking at each other’s eyes, memorizing each other’s features before moving into the yab-yum positon. At this point, time seem to stop. What followed was an explosion, my surroundings became a blur, the earth shifting. It was like slowly dissolving into each other, and our souls danced to a rhythm that was totally unique to us. I was ecstatic, but calm. We just laid there intertwined, gazing at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything. A few minutes later, he told me I am most beautiful when I was very open, when I let go.  And if indeed I was, it was only because I was looking at you. My eyes met his browns, and I knew no lie was told.

I mustered the courage to ask him why he shivers whenever we were physically close. It was your energy, he said. I felt it was something like kundalini rising. We continued talking, with me telling him things few people in my circle knew about. For some reason, I didn’t felt embarrassed.

Before religious pundits and the morality police harp in and accuse of me of being promiscuous or into orgies, no, it wasn’t sexual, it was more spiritual. It was intimacy most heightened, not lust. I can still feel him even now, as I am writing this.  I took a peek at the divine, and the divine stared right back. Jon gave me the gift of a lifetime.

This won’t be the last time I’m going to write about tantra, but the first of many. I intend to go to Thailand, or India to learn more. I don’t know how but I know I will. I am not ashamed about this path I’m taking, nor should anyone be.  I usually don’t care much for the mundane and petty stuff now. I had been at war with myself, and unintentionally caused collateral damage to the lives around me. I know I’m on my way to total healing, and it scares people, as they’ve never met a woman who can spectacularly break into pieces several times and put herself together using nothing but self love. Now, I save my energy for magical things. I refuse to cower to prejudices and misconceptions. The day I do is the day I lose my spark. I refuse to just exist. I want to live.

Epilogue

March 27, 2 pm, Port of Larena, Siquijor

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Jon & I, Cebu bound

Jon and I were on our way back to Cebu. I was looking for candies in the waiting lounge when the annoying yet familiar song wafted through the air. It was like that ridiculous Shark Song, I hate it yet I hum to it!!! Arggghhh!!!

Something happens and I’m head over heels

I never find out till I’m head over heels…

To say that it was the most intense week I’ve had in my entire adult life was an understatement. I was happy the Universe allowed his soul to stop by. I’ve arrived at the realization that the journey I just had wasn’t about becoming anything—it was un-becoming everything that wasn’t really me, so that I can be who I was meant to be in the first place.

Jag är inte bra på känslor. Antingen känner jag alldeles för mycket, eller absolut ingenting alls. Tack, Jon! Du är fantastisk! Jag saknar dig. Jag älskar dig, jag låter dig gå. Namaste! xoxo

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