Liar, Liar Pants On Fire

kill-relationships-FI

I’ve changed careers over the past few weeks—I’ve become a life coach. Some love bug has been doing its rounds and it’s not even Valen­tines.

I usu­al­ly tell my friends when­ev­er they have prob­lems and ask for my opinion—if I’m your voice of rea­son, then you must be in a very bad sit­u­a­tion! It’s fun­ny how I’m often asked about love prob­lems when I can be clue­less with my own. I sup­pose when we are detached from the sit­u­a­tion, we can see bet­ter.

A few of my friends recent­ly con­fid­ed in me about their love prob­lems. The only con­stant in the sea of vari­ables was this—infidelity. Some of them have been cheat­ed on, while the oth­er half is doing the cheat­ing. I nor­mal­ly don’t want to talk about this sub­ject as it is very sen­si­tive, but I’m hop­ing that when they read this, they’ll be able to make informed deci­sions.

The usu­al ques­tions of those being cheat­ed were:

  • if they should for­give their part­ners
  • how to trust again
  • how to get past the sit­u­a­tion
  • what’s wrong with them images

Mean­while, the guilty par­ties were ask­ing about:

  • how to gain back their part­ners’ trust
  • how not to cheat
  • why they are cheat­ing

Cheat­ing has a lot of forms. Sleep­ing or dat­ing some­one else, yes. It can also mean tex­ting in an inap­pro­pri­ate way, lying, being in dat­ing sites/apps with­out your part­ners’ knowl­edge or flirt­ing with oth­er peo­ple among oth­ers. I mean come on, who in their right mind would want their bf or gf in some dat­ing site/app when you are in a rela­tion­ship? Some would even jus­ti­fy sleep­ing with oth­ers as “just fun, noth­ing more”. No way. If you find your­self delet­ing text mes­sages because you are afraid your part­ner will read them, it is time to ask your­self why.

I usu­al­ly get asked what would I do if I’m being cheat­ed on. It’s simple—you cheat on me, lie to me about impor­tant things, we’re through. I walk away, nev­er look back, burn every bridge down in the hopes that the light from the fire would help me choose wise­ly in the future. I learned this from expe­ri­ence because my ex-hus­band cheat­ed on me. While we tried to fix the rela­tion­ship, I real­ized it was beyond repair when I start­ed ques­tion­ing every moved he made, where he went, who he talked to—I became para­noid. I was turn­ing into a dif­fer­ent per­son, and I hat­ed the per­son I was becom­ing. I real­ized that wasn’t a way to live. Long sto­ry short, we part­ed ways. Look­ing back at it, my deci­sion was right. In my suc­ceed­ing rela­tion­ships, cheat­ing has become non-nego­tiable for me. I could accept any­thing, except that. It is a deal break­er. I don’t trust eas­i­ly, but when I do, I trust you won’t do any­thing to break my heart (and my faith in you).

Peo­ple cheat when they are unhap­py, unsat­is­fied, and have unre­solved inse­cu­ri­ties and issues in them­selves. The first two rea­sons are self-explana­to­ry. If you love your sig­nif­i­cant oth­er, you don’t cheat, you don’t lie, peri­od. I adhere to this, no ifs, no buts. It’s a no brainer—you are hap­py in the rela­tion­ship, you are inlove, why would you ruin it? It’s like get­ting a rock and hit­ting your­self in the head. If I’m in any way unhap­py, want out, I talk to my part­ner, because that’s the adult (and dig­ni­fied) way. I would nev­er give my bf Chris cause to doubt me. I’ve been cheat­ed on and I know how it feels. The last one is a bit com­pli­cat­ed, and the most dif­fi­cult to resolve. They cheat­ed because they were also cheat­ed on from a pre­vi­ous rela­tion­ship, they felt emp­ty and had voids to fill, they had the need to prove to them­selves how attrac­tive they were, and the most self­ish reason—because they can. If you can’t resolve your issues, then don’t be in a rela­tion­ship.

Most peo­ple who were cheat­ed choose to “for­give” but start act­ing like Hitler. They would ask for access to all social media accounts, con­stant­ly being updat­ed to their part­ners’ where­abouts or who they’re with. They would guilt their part­ners into giv­ing in, to prove that they have changed and aren’t hid­ing any­thing. This move nev­er works as it is unhealthy. If some­one decides to cheat, they would find ways to do so, and there is noth­ing you can do about it. If you can’t for­give, then don’t, just move on. It’s not your fault they can’t see how awe­some you are.

Those who decid­ed to for­give need to heal them­selves first. You can’t ful­ly for­give if you are still reel­ing from the betray­al. If you for­give, do it whole­heart­ed­ly, start a clean slate. Con­stant­ly bring­ing up past argu­ments and sins is not for­giv­ing. It also doesn’t mean that you roll over and be a door­mat. Set your bound­aries clear­ly, have a heart to heart talk. Be ready to walk away IF after giv­ing one last chance, they cheat on you again. Have some self respect and love your­self more! Friends-holding-hands-images-HOLDING-HANDS-400x400

Com­mu­ni­ca­tion is the key. Our part­ners are not mind read­ers. Feel­ings and unre­solved issues snow­ball into big­ger prob­lems. Prob­lems nev­er go away on their own. It is impor­tant to be able to talk and lis­ten to each oth­er. Respond, not react. Remem­ber, rela­tion­ships are like sand. Held loose­ly with an open hand, the sand remains. The minute you close tight­ly to hold on, the sand trick­les through your fin­gers. Treat the way­ward par­ty with respect, hon­or their per­son­al space. Be pos­ses­sive and resent­ments will fos­ter, killing the rela­tion­ship. If you choose to for­give them, stay because of all the things they have done right, and not focus on the one thing that they had done wrong.

Basi­cal­ly don’t be bad. There. I’m your life coach now.

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