Moon of My Life, My Sun & Star

Wolverine

I met a psychic around the first week of June. He knew things about me that no living soul could have ever known. He made a bold prediction — I’m going to meet a guy around the first week of July, and he is to be my big love. Ha! I rolled my eyes. I need a man like I need a root canal. I had no plans to be serious with anyone in the next twenty years. I’ve resigned myself that I am going to be single, with lots of dogs. But he was adamant! Whatever.

A week later, I met a guy online. His name was Chris. I wasn’t physically attracted to him at first. I think that stemmed from me hating all men at that time. No, he didn’t look like a troll, in fact, he reminded me of Wolverine. I enjoyed talking to him. He was intelligent, with a sense of humor to match. He also didn’t ask for naked pics (haha!), or thought I was trying to scam him. Like me, he was wary of people. I found myself looking forward to our chats. He had kind eyes.

Things started to be more than friendly when I told him I’ll defeat him in a karaoke duel. We’re both karaoke fiends you see. We made plans to see each other, with him coming over to my country. I didn’t really believe him — he could just be one of those jokers who never keep their word. Waking up to his messages in the morning made me giddy though. I had no idea why.

Face to Face

On the day of his flight, I still didn’t believe that he is really coming. When we lost contact, I thought, “Oh well. His loss.” I was in bed when I got a text from him that he arrived. I don’t how I got dressed so fast. It was 2 am.

In the car, I was excited, and then scared. “What have I gotten myself into? I’m too old for blind dates!”

We hugged. It was awkward at first. He picked me up, literally, like he said he would do. That caught me off guard.

We went to a karaoke bar. Things started to lighten up from then on. It was a fun night. Daylight was streaming in when we went back to our hotel. I let him think he won the karaoke duel — I didn’t want any bloodshed. We had a grand time.

Meeting the Family

He mentioned before that he wants to meet my family, and have a baby with me. Whoa. Slow down, tiger! Things were getting way too serious too fast. The only other guy I brought home was Seth’s father. My close friends weren’t too kind. “Does he know you are completely insane? Poor Chris!” I didn’t really take him seriously then.

It appeared to me that he meant what he said.  I could tell it was important to him. He also wanted to go to my house, which is a certified biohazard area. Does he know what it means to meet the family, go to my house?!

We had lunch with mom, dinner with my son, went to my house, and met my dogs. I was nervous the whole time. Mom did something that I’ve been dreading — show Chris my baby pictures. They had a good laugh, and I just stood there mortified. Mom behaved mostly after that (haha)! I loved the part where we went to the movies with my son. It was Chris’ idea. It felt like we were a family.

When the Rose Tinted Glasses Come Off

I was quiet sad when he left. The main reason I didn’t take him to the airport was I hate airport goodbyes. I didn’t want to be crying in front of him. That would make me look utterly pathetic and needy.

I wasn’t sure of my feelings then but my memory loved him; it asked about him all the time. My crazy Virgo brain though was in full swing: what if he didn’t like me, what if he was just pretending to like me, my snoring must have turned him off, I’m not tall enough or beautiful enough, he couldn’t tell me coz he didn’t want to be rude, he’s not coming back like he promised. Why do I care? I had that sinking feeling in my stomach, and a nagging question— do I love him already? I’m not even sure if he feels the same way I do, or if he meant what he told me before.

I realized that lacking clarity is clarity itself. How, if you aren’t sure about something, that alone has meaning? I chose to embrace the uncertainty — it is the seed from which all-knowingness comes, hopefully.

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that Faith is his twin brother

I noticed changes in him when we reconnected. He wasn’t as attentive as he used to. I missed his morning messages. It may not mean much to him but it made me happy. It’s the little things that make me happy. It seemed that I always initiate contact. “Have I become boring and predictable?” I asked myself. I brought it up, and I met a wall. Boring topic, he would say. It hurt me more than I let on. I never brought it up again.  I guess honeymoon stage was over before it even took off.

Then I learned I was pregnant. I was scared at first. I know he wanted kids, but I’m not sure if he still wants them with me. I bit the bullet and told him anyway. He was excited. For the first time in years, I allowed myself to dream of having a complete family — me, Chris, Seth, Jj, white picket fences, the works. I’m glad that he got along well with my boy Seth. He’s not perfect, but I think he’d make a good father, and that makes all the difference in my world.

This is a Game of Thrones reference, and I know he hates it, but I thought of him whenever I read this — You are the Moon of my life, my Sun, and my star. I miss him, one of us is in the wrong place. I didn’t know I could get homesick for people too. I just want to wake up at 2 am, roll over, see his face, and know I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

Stay

It’s funny, I usually have guys pegged the moment I met them. Chris stumped me. My latest diagnosis is he must be bi-polar. There were times I try to coax him into telling me his feelings. It was my way of trying to gain an insight into him. And I failed. I felt that it was difficult to reach him. I know he didn’t have the best childhood, that must be a factor.  Sometimes he says insensitive things that hurt me, especially when I was pregnant. I admit I wasn’t a joy to be with but I needed him. I wish I could just hug him during those times when he was being mean and not say anything. My words might fail me but my actions can’t be misinterpreted.

I normally run for the hills with such behavior yet I’m still here, because I’m stubborn and refuse to believe the man I first met is gone. You just don’t give up on people you love. I chose to stay with him for all the things he had done right, and not to leave for all the unpleasantness that I discovered. I just want him, all his flaws, mistakes, smiles,  jokes, sarcasm. Everything. I just want him.

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Chris+Jen

After I sorted my head, I think I found my footing. Chris often tells me not to read the subtitles. Basically, this is his way of telling me not to overthink. I’m not making excuses for him. Virgos are known overthinkers, but I think this is learned behavior too. Sue me but years of bad men and bad connections did me in. I resolved to ease up a bit, breathe, find my zen (I was groping mostly).  I stopped trying to figure out what he was thinking, or what I thought he meant. I felt relief. Everything was smooth sailing hereafter.

I hate wearing my cold, black heart on my sleeve. But I had a big mouth, and I told him I would write about how I feel. I always keep my word, even if it meant embarrassing myself. The truth is, I’m a closet romantic. I was scared of writing this, the same way I was scared to let him in. I have my own demons too. I don’t love easily, but when I do, it’s all or nothing. I’m black and white like that, no grays in between. For me, it’s either I love you, or I don’t.

There are too many mediocre things in this world, love shouldn’t be one of them. Loving someone is to see all of their magic, and to remind them of it when they have forgotten.

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