Moon of My Life, My Sun & Star

Wolverine

I met a psy­chic around the first week of June. He knew things about me that no liv­ing soul could have ever known. He made a bold pre­dic­tion — I’m going to meet a guy around the first week of July, and he is to be my big love. Ha! I rolled my eyes. I need a man like I need a root canal. I had no plans to be seri­ous with any­one in the next twen­ty years. I’ve resigned myself that I am going to be sin­gle, with lots of dogs. But he was adamant! What­ev­er.

A week lat­er, I met a guy online. His name was Chris. I wasn’t phys­i­cal­ly attract­ed to him at first. I think that stemmed from me hat­ing all men at that time. No, he didn’t look like a troll, in fact, he remind­ed me of Wolver­ine. I enjoyed talk­ing to him. He was intel­li­gent, with a sense of humor to match. He also didn’t ask for naked pics (haha!), or thought I was try­ing to scam him. Like me, he was wary of peo­ple. I found myself look­ing for­ward to our chats. He had kind eyes.

Things start­ed to be more than friend­ly when I told him I’ll defeat him in a karaoke duel. We’re both karaoke fiends you see. We made plans to see each oth­er, with him com­ing over to my coun­try. I didn’t real­ly believe him — he could just be one of those jok­ers who nev­er keep their word. Wak­ing up to his mes­sages in the morn­ing made me gid­dy though. I had no idea why.

Face to Face

On the day of his flight, I still didn’t believe that he is real­ly com­ing. When we lost con­tact, I thought, “Oh well. His loss.” I was in bed when I got a text from him that he arrived. I don’t how I got dressed so fast. It was 2 am.

In the car, I was excit­ed, and then scared. “What have I got­ten myself into? I’m too old for blind dates!”

We hugged. It was awk­ward at first. He picked me up, lit­er­al­ly, like he said he would do. That caught me off guard.

We went to a karaoke bar. Things start­ed to light­en up from then on. It was a fun night. Day­light was stream­ing in when we went back to our hotel. I let him think he won the karaoke duel — I didn’t want any blood­shed. We had a grand time.

Meeting the Family

He men­tioned before that he wants to meet my fam­i­ly, and have a baby with me. Whoa. Slow down, tiger! Things were get­ting way too seri­ous too fast. The only oth­er guy I brought home was Seth’s father. My close friends weren’t too kind. “Does he know you are com­plete­ly insane? Poor Chris!” I didn’t real­ly take him seri­ous­ly then.

It appeared to me that he meant what he said.  I could tell it was impor­tant to him. He also want­ed to go to my house, which is a cer­ti­fied bio­haz­ard area. Does he know what it means to meet the fam­i­ly, go to my house?!

We had lunch with mom, din­ner with my son, went to my house, and met my dogs. I was ner­vous the whole time. Mom did some­thing that I’ve been dread­ing — show Chris my baby pic­tures. They had a good laugh, and I just stood there mor­ti­fied. Mom behaved most­ly after that (haha)! I loved the part where we went to the movies with my son. It was Chris’ idea. It felt like we were a fam­i­ly.

When the Rose Tinted Glasses Come Off

I was qui­et sad when he left. The main rea­son I didn’t take him to the air­port was I hate air­port good­byes. I didn’t want to be cry­ing in front of him. That would make me look utter­ly pathet­ic and needy.

I wasn’t sure of my feel­ings then but my mem­o­ry loved him; it asked about him all the time. My crazy Vir­go brain though was in full swing: what if he didn’t like me, what if he was just pre­tend­ing to like me, my snor­ing must have turned him off, I’m not tall enough or beau­ti­ful enough, he couldn’t tell me coz he didn’t want to be rude, he’s not com­ing back like he promised. Why do I care? I had that sink­ing feel­ing in my stom­ach, and a nag­ging ques­tion— do I love him already? I’m not even sure if he feels the same way I do, or if he meant what he told me before.

I real­ized that lack­ing clar­i­ty is clar­i­ty itself. How, if you aren’t sure about some­thing, that alone has mean­ing? I chose to embrace the uncer­tain­ty — it is the seed from which all-know­ing­ness comes, hope­ful­ly.

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that Faith is his twin brother

I noticed changes in him when we recon­nect­ed. He wasn’t as atten­tive as he used to. I missed his morn­ing mes­sages. It may not mean much to him but it made me hap­py. It’s the lit­tle things that make me hap­py. It seemed that I always ini­ti­ate con­tact. “Have I become bor­ing and pre­dictable?” I asked myself. I brought it up, and I met a wall. Bor­ing top­ic, he would say. It hurt me more than I let on. I nev­er brought it up again.  I guess hon­ey­moon stage was over before it even took off.

Then I learned I was preg­nant. I was scared at first. I know he want­ed kids, but I’m not sure if he still wants them with me. I bit the bul­let and told him any­way. He was excit­ed. For the first time in years, I allowed myself to dream of hav­ing a com­plete fam­i­ly — me, Chris, Seth, Jj, white pick­et fences, the works. I’m glad that he got along well with my boy Seth. He’s not per­fect, but I think he’d make a good father, and that makes all the dif­fer­ence in my world.

This is a Game of Thrones ref­er­ence, and I know he hates it, but I thought of him when­ev­er I read this — You are the Moon of my life, my Sun, and my star. I miss him, one of us is in the wrong place. I didn’t know I could get home­sick for peo­ple too. I just want to wake up at 2 am, roll over, see his face, and know I’m right where I’m sup­posed to be.

Stay

It’s fun­ny, I usu­al­ly have guys pegged the moment I met them. Chris stumped me. My lat­est diag­no­sis is he must be bi-polar. There were times I try to coax him into telling me his feel­ings. It was my way of try­ing to gain an insight into him. And I failed. I felt that it was dif­fi­cult to reach him. I know he didn’t have the best child­hood, that must be a fac­tor.  Some­times he says insen­si­tive things that hurt me, espe­cial­ly when I was preg­nant. I admit I wasn’t a joy to be with but I need­ed him. I wish I could just hug him dur­ing those times when he was being mean and not say any­thing. My words might fail me but my actions can’t be mis­in­ter­pret­ed.

I nor­mal­ly run for the hills with such behav­ior yet I’m still here, because I’m stub­born and refuse to believe the man I first met is gone. You just don’t give up on peo­ple you love. I chose to stay with him for all the things he had done right, and not to leave for all the unpleas­ant­ness that I dis­cov­ered. I just want him, all his flaws, mis­takes, smiles,  jokes, sar­casm. Every­thing. I just want him.

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Chris+Jen

After I sort­ed my head, I think I found my foot­ing. Chris often tells me not to read the sub­ti­tles. Basi­cal­ly, this is his way of telling me not to over­think. I’m not mak­ing excus­es for him. Vir­gos are known over­thinkers, but I think this is learned behav­ior too. Sue me but years of bad men and bad con­nec­tions did me in. I resolved to ease up a bit, breathe, find my zen (I was grop­ing most­ly).  I stopped try­ing to fig­ure out what he was think­ing, or what I thought he meant. I felt relief. Every­thing was smooth sail­ing here­after.

I hate wear­ing my cold, black heart on my sleeve. But I had a big mouth, and I told him I would write about how I feel. I always keep my word, even if it meant embar­rass­ing myself. The truth is, I’m a clos­et roman­tic. I was scared of writ­ing this, the same way I was scared to let him in. I have my own demons too. I don’t love eas­i­ly, but when I do, it’s all or noth­ing. I’m black and white like that, no grays in between. For me, it’s either I love you, or I don’t.

There are too many mediocre things in this world, love shouldn’t be one of them. Lov­ing some­one is to see all of their mag­ic, and to remind them of it when they have for­got­ten.

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