The Tell-Tale Heart

BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Heck Over It. Any complaints about how we operate, can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-aaah with Dr. Sniffle Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin’.

This isn’t one of those woe-is-me posts. I’m just pondering on what’s been happening and needed an avenue to speak my mind, as I don’t feel like talking to any living person at all, and you don’t listen or want to talk anyway. It hurts when you keep trying your best and it is still wasn’t good enough. I feel like I can’t do anything right anymore. I asked you an innocent question, and I was told to quit it. I was apparently trying to stir something up. I didn’t even know what was wrong with my question. I was that good—stir some sh*t up without meaning to. This time, I didn’t even have to do anything at all, yet I’m accused of “enjoying” the drama. Just wow. I have no words. It makes me wonder why you are still with me when I can’t do anything right in your eyes. You just can’t wait until I commit some perceived blunder and rub it in my face.  Trust me, I’m hard enough on myself, thank you very much. I don’t need anyone constantly reminding me I suck.blur-blurred-background-bokeh-870866_opt.jpg

It’s funny when some parts of your life seem to doing great, the rest falls spectacularly into pieces. My career is in full swing, I have a great boss, I love my job, I’m a few pounds away from my body goals then life throws you a curved ball—one of the few good men I know dies horribly, my love life is…you know, why would I be writing this if it’s all hearts and roses. And oh, I know you are reading this, you psycho who can’t take a hint- are you happy now? I thought you were a good person. If you love me as you claim, LEAVE.ME.THE.F*CK.ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE!

When anniversaries are approaching, most couples are happy or excited. All I could think of is I wish I have some whisky now, or not wake up, or I wish I never made this blog, or maybe I should delete this. I remember being excited around this time last year. I was very happy, you wanted to celebrate the 4th of July with me. We were together. Now all I have are memories, and another holiday to dread. I guess it’s gonna be me and Johnny or Jose again for this holiday. You will just forget the date anyway, like you forgot my birthday last year. I’m not being negative (one of my endearing qualities that you pointed out), I don’t want to be disappointed again either. I am trying to manage my expectations. I’ve been thinking if you still love me.

Then I realized I don’t love me enough, and that’s how I understand maybe why you don’t either.

But I pray you do, and that I am wrong. I hate being wrong but this is the one time I hope I’m so wrong. Do I love you? With all my heart and you know it. I don’t wish that you love me the way I want to be loved—I just want you to love me the way you know how.

I hate when we are like this. It makes me physically sick. You know I’m not very good in pretending to be okay when I’m not. I hate that. It takes a lot of energy to smile and put on a happy face. I have no more fight left in me. You win.

It has been said the heart is the strongest muscle. I’d like to think I got my Dad’s heart—unwavering when faced with obstacles. Be strong, heart, do not fail me now. Have courage, and still strive to be kind even when others aren’t.

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