The Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me

…and the way you answer my questions, or when you don’t. I sometimes wish that you would respond like a normal person. That thing you do when you don’t like to talk about a certain topic? You either flat out ignore me, or randomly shift to something else. You told me you love it when I’m being open and expressive, but I feel like it makes you uncomfortable and you clam up. I get it, you have this empathy switch that is seldom on. It makes me want to throw my phone at you. Who is the rubik’s cube? Raise your hand, Chris! Case in point:

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Me: Stop doing that to your ear!

Chris: Do you wanna blog about me?

I know I was absent when God was distributing patience but you can really be frustrating and I end up confused. I feel that I have a better chance with the wall responding to me if I try to talk to it than you. I seldom pray but do you know that I pray about you? It goes like this:

God please grant me patience when Chris is being weirder than usual. Actual patience, not situations where I can practice patience. I’ve had a lot of those and they don’t seem to be working. While you’re at it, include wine & humor, so that I can just roll my eyes at him & accept the things I can’t change. 

I’m really trying here babe.

And the way you cut your hair

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loved this look!

…that was way too short! You cut it to make you look presentable. Cornered chicken was my first thought. My Wolverine fantasies evaporated right then and there. Later on, you looked like a kid who got caught with his hand in a cookie jar. Good thing your hair grows fast! I like it best when it is unruly.

I hate the way you read my mind, it doesn’t seem fair

You sometimes say the most annoying things that makes me think you are downright dense, if I hadn’t known you were intelligent. Then you say something that seems like you literally took the words out of my mouth. I get that you have brains. I wouldn’t be so damned attracted to you if you weren’t. But mind reading? I thought that was my realm.

I hate it when you think you beat me in our karaoke duel

I think you deserve a spot in the DSM (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). You ruined Coldplay’s Yellow for me. Your only redeeming factor was you sang “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” (and your smize). The karaoke scoring was rigged in favor of visitors. I let you win because I was nice. This is not hubris talking.

I hate it that you don’t like Game of Throneslots-of-people-dont-watch-game-of-thrones-lots-of-cunts

Game of Thrones is only the greatest TV show on earth. You belong to the 1% of the population that doesn’t watch it. I know, it sucks to be you but my heart dropped when I learned this. I mean, how could I be with someone who doesn’t watch it?! I should have put “must watch Game of Thrones, not Rick & Morty” in my dating profile. You were happy when the season ended. But for someone who hated it, you were pretty updated. Hmmm…

I hate the way you’re always right

Whatever. In case you forgot, whatever is synonymous to “fine”, the true F word. I’m saying it not as an act of resignation— it’s like an elaborate eye roll. I occasionally wonder if I should have chosen someone dumb. But you can’t beat me at crosswords ever (and karaoke). And how dare you accuse me of using Google! You couldn’t stand it that I have better vocabulary. Good thing you are good at Math— it’s a good balance, we will have a brood of erudites.

I hate it when you lie

When we first started talking, you told me you hate liars or cheaters. I decided then that I will continue talking to you, as we were on the same page.

There is a thin line between lying and not following through promises. I don’t blame you for this. I just hate that I set myself up for disappointment. I don’t think you are a liar (I hope not). I’ve had a glimpse of the good in you.

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I didn’t think it was even possible that I could laugh and be annoyed at the same time. I don’t know how you do it, it is a talent. I know it isn’t for everyone but I love your sense of humor. You would say something funny and sarcastic, like when you called me weird? It was like the pot calling the kettle black.

The only time I really cried was when I lost JJ. The miscarriage gutted me. The other times that I felt like crying was when I wanted to strangle you for being dense and smart at the same time.

I hate the way you’re not around

This was most amplified when I lost our baby. You weren’t here, and I so wished you were. You had no idea what I went through. I was heartbroken but it could have been better if you were around. There are varying degrees in missing you — stuck between ihateyou and I miss you so much. I think missing you comes in waves. Lately though, it feels like I’m drowning.

And when you don’t text me in the morning or before going to bed

What can I say? You made me needy.  I got used to you texting me in the morning and when you sleep. I’m not really fond of grand gestures as it makes me a little uneasy. It’s the simple things you do that make me happy. I can totally hear you muttering “demanding” under your breath.

But mostly, I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Have you noticed how I ask your opinion about things that matter to me? I seldom do that because I drink and know things. I don’t even ask my mom’s opinions. I treat opinions as suggestions. It annoys me when they are forced upon me, or they come unsolicited. But not you. I value your opinions. I trust your judgement (except when you are drunk). If I ask your opinion, it could only mean that I think you are golden.

I don’t like many humans. Humans are conniving, sniveling, selfish creatures. I prefer animals. But you are my favorite human. I think you are perfectly imperfect, exquisitely flawed, almost like a beautifully crafted dichotomy. How could I ever hate someone like that? I couldn’t hate you even when I tried.

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